An Illicit Affair
by carolinagirl919
Summary: During a vulnerable point of her marriage, Joss Carter made a choice to have a one-night stand with a man she'd thought she would never see again. Now that she and her husband Paul are trying to repair their marriage, she doesn't think about the tall, handsome, blue-eyed stranger she met that night... until that stranger and his wife move into the house next door. Rated T for now.
1. Chapter 1

"You're making something out of nothing, Lionel," Joss responded dismissively.

Fusco couldn't deny that, but there was clearly something going on. He could see it in the way they stood so close together, the way they didn't look at each other, as if knowing one look at the other would give them away. He knew all this because he had been there before, but he'd been the one who was left holding the bag. In hindsight, he had seen the very same thing right before his wife left him for another man.

Joss was there for him during the aftermath, during the divorce, and was there to help him pick himself up after many pity parties of one where he drowned his sorrows. She knew what he went through, how much it had hurt and how it had torn his family apart. She was better than this.

He looked into her dark brown eyes and knew that for now she spoke the truth. _For now_. But how much longer could they keep up this charade? How much longer before they gave in to those feelings and forgot about everything that made them who they were, their honor, their morals, and their self-respect?

"An affair ain't no easy thing," he continued. "It can destroy everyone around you, including yourself. You need to think about and wonder if it's worth it. And so does John."

She shook her head a little too swiftly, her denial a little too strong. "There's nothing going on. I love Paul. John loves Jessica. We're both happily married and _you_ need to mind your own business." She stood up from the park bench and rubbed her hands down the front of her pants, avoiding further eye contact.

Fusco stood up as well, holding his hands up in a surrendering gesture. He hoped he was able to get through to her, but no one ever labeled him as a moral compass. "Okay. I get it. I'll keep my mouth shut. But don't think that it's going to go away anytime soon. It's only going to get worse. Whatever it is you two got going, nip it in the bud," he warned. He tossed the styrofoam cup of now cold coffee into a nearby trash can and walked away, leaving Joss behind to think about what he'd said.

She began walking in the opposite direction towards the north exit of the park. She felt the vibration of her phone and heard the ring of a bell, alerting her of a new text. Taking it out of her pocket, she unlocked the phone to read the message:

_**Waldorf Astoria  
Room 1215**_

She didn't have to do this. It was only supposed to be a one-time deal, a one-night stand with a stranger she thought she'd never see again. She and Paul were working things out now; they'd been going to counseling and even started a weekly date night to get their spark back. Paul was truly making an effort to change for the better and be the man she married seventeen years ago. But if she was honest with herself, she'd admit that all the counseling and date nights they sat through wasn't enough. It couldn't quell the fire inside her.

Every stolen look, every subtle brush of his hand against hers, every text message, every late night meeting in the park were they'd meet and just talk for hours until nearly dawn... Every time she saw him, he stole a piece of her heart and she couldn't stop it if she tried. Every heated gaze sparked a flame inside her that she had never felt with Paul in all their years of being together.

She took another look at the text:

_**Waldorf Astoria  
Room 1215**_

They hadn't slept together since the first night they met. They'd danced around it, never truly acknowledging it after the first confrontation, but they were never intimate again. They both continued to lie to themselves about how it was just once and that they'd moved on. But now... now he'd made the next move.

He'd told her that he wanted her, that he couldn't stop thinking about her. His marriage with Jessica had also been strained, even more so now than it ever had. He'd said that he hadn't touched Jessica in over a month and he hadn't wanted to, tired of imagining being inside Joss instead of being with his wife.

His wife.

He was married. They both were.

What was she thinking? The first time was the only time and it _wasn't_ a mistake. They'd both been very aware of the choice they'd made and had fully understood what they were doing at the time. The problem is... she'd never expected to see him again after that night, much less have him and his wife move into the house next door. She didn't expect to see him working at the same precinct as she did. She wasn't prepared for any of this. Yet, here they were.

_**Waldorf Astoria  
Room 1215**_

She memorized the information before deleting the text, her decision weighing heavily on her mind. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she made a call.

"Hey baby, I'm making your favorite tonight. My world famous chili and cornbread," Paul answered with a smile in his voice.

The guilt weighed heavily on her. "I'm sorry, but it's going to be another late night. I'm up to my ears in paperwork and I have to meet with a C.I. on a cold case I've been working on. Save a bowl for me?" she asked, keeping her tone as light as possible.

"You know I'll keep it hot for you," he flirted.

She forced herself to laugh girlishly, but she really felt like shit. "Okay, but don't stay up. I'll see you later." She hung up before he could say anything else.

She could still change her mind. She could go home to her husband and have a homemade meal with her family. She could smile and pretend that everything was okay and that she was still happy in their marriage. She could make love to her husband tonight and try not to think about the man she _really_ wanted.

The man who could whisper in her ear something as simple as "Hello, Detective" like it was a secret between the two of them. The man with expressive blue eyes and an intense stare that easily turned her on. The smoldering stare so full of want that she always had to look away, and usually led her to taking impromptu cold showers in the ladies locker room of the precinct where she gave herself empty orgasms from touching herself, imagining her hands as his.

She could go home. She _should_ go home.

She walked out of the park and waited to hail a cab on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth. Once the taxi pulled over, she opened the door and settled in the back seat.

"Where to, ma'am?" asked the driver with a bit of impatience.

"Take me to Park Avenue, the Waldorf."


	2. Chapter 2

John took another sip of whiskey from the glass and continued to look out into the lobby, watching the guests come and go through the entrance of the hotel. He had what he considered the best seat in the house– the corner seat of the bar. From there, he could see her if she walked through those doors, and he'd know immediately if she'd said yes to his offer.

He reached into his pocket and fiddled with the card key to the hotel room he booked for the night. Joss hadn't sent a text back to him with a yes or no, but he hoped she'd said yes. He hoped she'd made the decision to be with him. He hoped that she'd decided to stop pretending that whatever had happened between them the first night they met was just a fluke. He hoped that she felt the same feelings about him as he had about her.

He wanted her to stop pretending that all they were now were just good friends who happened to meet each other under precarious circumstances...

* * *

**Six months ago**

John walked into the dim, smoky bar and took a seat in the booth in the back corner, giving him a view of everyone there. His assignment was to infiltrate the organization of corrupt cops known as HR under the guise of being a new detective of the 51st precinct vice squad. He was to find out who was clean and who wasn't, as well as discover the identity of the true leader of the group. The NYC branch of the FBI thought they'd caught everyone in their big crackdown against HR, which even included local politicians, but over the past year, HR had managed to come back stronger than ever.

In the briefing, he'd been given files on who had been arrested in the first sting and their connections with anyone that was still in the precinct. There were files on who currently worked there along with suspected members at other precincts. His new director, Nicholas Donnelly, had warned him that these people were extremely dangerous and very close knit. It would be hard to infiltrate this organization, so they had to be sure that he had the right background to cover his tracks. John was, for the moment, to settle into the city and continue to work on the case in the local office. After about a month or two of preparing for his assignment, they'd transition him in when the vacancy opened up after the captain retired.

John was anxious, more than anxious to be honest, to get started. He hadn't even found a place to live yet, had only been in the city for a couple days, and had just gone through his briefing this morning, but he couldn't help his need to get started on the case right away. Even if it was something as simple as watching a group of cops known for being dirty hang out at a small neighborhood bar. He knew he wasn't supposed to be here and if anyone remembered his face he might blow his cover, but this would be his first major assignment since his transfer from the Seattle office. He had been recommended after leading an investigation on a major drug bust for trafficking between the US and Canadian border. It had been an intricate case that revealed involvement from local and state police, who were getting paid to look the other way at times and at other times, were paid to enforce the laws of the streets instead of the laws on the books.

At first, John wasn't going to accept the offer of a promotion and a move across the country, but this was an opportunity he knew he couldn't pass up. After thinking on it for some time, he thought a change of scenery would do well for him and his wife, Jessica. With the new job offer came more money, a higher title, a bigger and more exciting city, and a chance to start over in a sense. Moving expenses were covered and it was his responsibility to find a place and get settled in before he started his assignment.

He'd gone house hunting with a realtor this afternoon, but he really hadn't been all that interested in anything she'd shown him. It would have been easier for him if Jessica had joined him. She was adamantly against this move and he couldn't help but think that her boss, Dr. Peter Arndt, had something to do with it. Just thinking about it brought a hard frown to his face.

Jessica had insisted that there was nothing going on between them, but he knew she was lying. He knew her ticks and knew when she was keeping a secret. She had kept him a secret for nearly six months, before she started telling everyone that they were a couple. And even then, she hadn't even told her mother about him, as if she were ashamed of him. She reassured him that wasn't the case, and that her mother wouldn't understand their relationship. She'd said that her mother would do everything she could to destroy what they had together.

He'd bought her story hook, line, and sinker; so in love with Jessica that he ignored all the blatant tells of her dishonesty.

He'd planned a weekend getaway with just the two of them in Mexico. A long weekend had turned into a week and on a whim, they'd gotten married in a little chapel on a Wednesday afternoon. The next day, everything had changed. He'd never forget the way he felt when Jessica had turned on the television and they both watched the Twin Towers burn for hours before both buildings collapsed.

It was right then and there that he'd made the decision to reenlist and serve his country again. Sometimes he wondered what kind of person he'd be today if he'd stuck to that decision, but Jessica had changed his mind. They were married now and she didn't want to lose him, she'd said. She wanted him at home with her, safe and raising their future kids, she'd said. So he'd decided to stay, but not without some resentment. They'd left the resort in Mexico and came back to Puyallup, Washington to make a small and quiet life for themselves.

He became a police officer and she worked at the local hospital as a registered nurse. They had been married for nearly a year before she finally told her mother about their relationship. He should have seen the red flags back then, but when you think you're in love, you don't always make the best choices. They'd tried to have children, but after two early-term miscarriages, Jessica didn't want to try anymore and had grown distant. After a while he had suggested adoption, but she had been against it. The more he tried to pull her back, the more it seemed as if she would push him away. He still loved her and made sure he told her and had shown her that daily, but it was like fighting a losing battle.

After six years of working as a police officer, John itched to do something more. He'd applied for a position at the FBI. After testing and more testing, a physical fitness test, a thorough background check that included polygraph testing, and a full medical examination, he'd been cleared and scheduled for special agent training at the academy in Quantico. He would be gone for nearly six months to complete his training before he'd become an official agent.

Jessica seemed to be happy for him and glad to see him follow his passion. In hindsight, it seemed as if she were pushing him out of the door. He should have known better then, but foolishly thought that things were getting back on track for them. At first, things were pretty hard. But with all the phone calls and text messages and video messaging that they'd done, it almost felt like how things were at beginning of their relationship. As the old saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

John would discover upon his return that their marriage was completely off the rails. Nearly two weeks after he'd come back home, she had refused to let him touch her. He'd confronted Jessica about why she hadn't wanted to make love with him. They'd been separated for months and he'd missed her, why didn't she want to be with him? In tears, she'd confessed to him that she'd had an affair.

She told him that she'd ended it and that she loved him. He'd forgiven her, but she had lost his trust. John focused on his new career and their relationship was as strained as ever. The wakeup call came two years later when she'd asked for a divorce. He wasn't quite ready to call it quits so they'd decided to try to work things out. Shortly after that, he'd been offered the promotion to move to New York. It honestly couldn't have come at a better time for them.

John was pulled from his thoughts when a waitress came to his table to take his order. "You look like you've got a lot on your mind," she said with a knowing smile. He wasn't the first person to come to a bar to drown their sorrows and he wouldn't be the last. At least this one was easy on the eyes. "What can I get ya?"

"Beer," he answered.

"Any kind in particular?"

"Surprise me," he said with a smile, hoping she'd take the hint that he didn't want to be bothered at this time. She left right away to get his drink.

_Smart lady_, he thought.

John focused once again on the patrons of the bar, some of the faces he already knew from his briefing. Detectives Terney, Beecher, and Stills were yucking it up and looked to be several drinks in with a group of other detectives and officers that he couldn't place right now, but would know of very soon. He looked up to see a hefty, middle-aged man with curly brown hair walk inside the bar and look around as if he were expecting to see someone in particular. Stills, one of the more boisterous members the group, called out to him.

"Hey Lionel! Why don't you join us? Or are you too good to be seen with us anymore," Stills bellowed with a sneer.

Lionel frowned deeply at the belligerent man. "Stop busting my balls, will ya? I'm not putting up with your bullshit tonight." He walked over to the bar and took a seat, turning his back on the group and ignoring their taunts.

John hadn't seen this Lionel guy's face in the files, but if he was well-known by this group, John figured he should keep tabs on him also.

"Here's your beer, hon'," the waitress said as she placed the dark brown glass bottle on the table in front of him. "Just holler if you need anything else."

"Thanks," he looked at her name tag, "Holly." He handed her a couple bills to cover his tab and to include a generous tip before she made her way back to the bar.

John slowly drank his beer and continued to watch the interactions among the people in the bar. It was your typical neighborhood bar, with its fair share of regulars, women with heavy makeup and low cut shirts trying to catch a man's eye, and a few youngsters who were just barely old enough to drink. Overall, it was just another night. He'd finished his beer and was about to call it a night and head back to his hotel when he saw her walk in.

The woman was strikingly beautiful. Nothing she did could hide that. Not the frumpy suit or the low heels. Not the simple light makeup or the low ponytail that pulled the long ebony hair that grew past her shoulders away from her face. He didn't know what it was about her, but he was drawn to her, unable to take his eyes off of her.

John watched as she looked around the bar, her eyes scanning the place until she found who she was looking for. She walked directly to the bar and sat next to the man he only knew as Lionel, ignoring the catcalls and lewd comments from the group of cops behind them. He couldn't hear what was said, but the body language between the two of them spoke of a deep friendship. It looked like she was trying to get him away from the bar. He watched her toss a few bills onto the bar, pull on his arm, and drag him away, leading him towards the exit, taking on some of his weight as he stumbled out.

She was his partner.

* * *

**Present Day**

That was the first night John ever saw Joss, but it wasn't the first time they'd met. He would later meet her on another night, and on that fateful night, things would never be the same. For either of them.

The shrill ring of his cellphone pulled John away from his walk down memory lane. He looked down at his phone to check the caller ID.

_HOME_

He diverted the call to voicemail, took another sip of the whiskey, and continued to watch the lobby for the woman who'd changed everything.

* * *

A/N: I know that the 51st precinct vice squad isn't where Carter and Fusco work, but as the story develops you'll see how John ends up in the same precinct as Carter and Fusco. Also, this story is unbeta'd so any mistakes/errors you see are mine.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry for the delay. Life got in the way. Here goes…

* * *

Joss huffed in frustration as she leaned forward to look out of the windshield of the taxi. They'd been sitting in bumper to bumper traffic for nearly fifteen minutes and had barely moved 20 feet. She glanced at the meter and rolled her eyes at the fee. She took another look out of the passenger side window and saw that they were about three blocks away from the hotel.

"I'll walk the rest of the way." Pulling a few bills out of her purse, she paid her fare and got out of the car without another glance towards the cabbie.

She maneuvered around the cars in the street as she made her way to the sidewalk and headed north before rounding the corner to head east on 76th. The walkways were nearly deserted compared to how congested the streets were. Her stride was even and her pace was steady, the very opposite of her emotions at the moment. She still wasn't sure about this. She could still turn back and go home. To her husband. The man she vowed to love, honor, and cherish in front of God, their family, and friends.

With her mind elsewhere, she didn't see the man walking out of the building to her right, causing a minor collision. Startled, she nearly lost her balance, but caught her footing before she had a nasty tumble.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am," the man apologized profusely, instinctively reaching for her, holding her by the arm as she steadied herself. "I was texting and didn't look to see where I was going. Are you okay?"

She gave a small smile to the stranger who reminded her so much of John. Tall, piercing eyes, and short salt and pepper hair, though there was more salt than pepper on this man.

"I'm fine," she replied before she stepped back, moving out of his reach. "Really. I wasn't paying much attention either."

He smiled warmly at her. "Well, maybe we'll both try to be a little more careful today," he said with a chuckle. "Sorry, again. Have a good one." He walked forward at the same time she did, both stopping their progress before another collision. "You first," he offered.

"Thanks." She looked up and noticed that he'd just walked out of The Surrey Hotel and she froze.

The man looked at her strangely, waiting for her to move. "Ma'am? Are you sure you're okay?"

Joss gave herself a mental shake before she nodded at the man. "Yeah. Sorry about that," she muttered as she stuffed her hands in the pockets of her jacket and moved her feet, her pace so fast she was nearly running, continuing east.

* * *

**Six months ago**

Joss applied the finishing touches to her makeup before removing the large barrel rollers from her hair, fluffing the curls for a sultry and tousled style. Teasing her now grown-out bangs to fall over her eye, she went for a more dramatic, almost vamp look and hoped that Paul would notice and appreciate her efforts.

Joss had been a "Frugal McDougall" for the past six months, scrimping and saving, penny pinching and coupon clipping, stretching a dollar until she made it holler, so that she could afford not only their hotel room for the night, but also a new dress, shoes, clutch, and accessories. She stood from the vanity and turned to admire her reflection in the full length mirror.

Her skin seemed to glow underneath the coral slit-shoulder gown. Its form-fitting cut and ruching design displayed her curves tastefully. A split that began mid-thigh showed off a toned, shapely leg, her gams well-earned from her daily morning runs and the frequent use of the basement gym at her precinct. On her feet was a pair of aqua leather heeled sandals she'd snagged on sale on a whim at Neiman's. She paired her dress with coral, turquoise, and gold accessories and her coral clutch with a teal floral design pulled together and completed her look.

Smiling, she could barely contain her excitement about tonight. An old friend from law school had sent Joss and Paul an invitation to her vow renewal to her husband of fifteen years. It was to be a swanky affair, black tie, held on the rooftop garden of The Surrey Hotel in the Upper East Side. Looking at the time on the alarm clock on the nightstand, she realized that if they wanted to beat the traffic and get to the event on time, they needed to leave in the next twenty minutes.

"Where is he?" she asked aloud to no one in particular. Paul should have been home hours ago. He could primp in the mirror just as much, if not longer than she did. He'd barely have time to shave and shower at this point.

She grabbed her cell phone and called him again, for the fifth time in the last hour. Just like the previous four calls, it went straight to voicemail after the first ring. She released a long, weary sigh as negative feelings washed over her.

_Maybe his phone died_, the hopeful side of her suggested. He was supposed to stop by the barbershop for a quick haircut and pick up his tux. _Maybe he got stuck in traffic or maybe the train was delayed_, that same naive and hopeful side of her conscious offered.

However, the more jaded and cynical side of her knew better. _He always does this. He never does what he says he's going to do. He's completely selfish, has been for a while now. You know exactly where he is. You may as well leave now and prepare to show up to the ceremony alone._

Alone.

_You're used to it by now, aren't you?_ the inner cynic asked. _You work yourself to death to make sure the bills are paid because he blows his entire paycheck on booze and gambling. As a matter of fact, that's probably what he's doing right now and you know it_, the voice mocked her.

Shaking away the negative thoughts, Joss grabbed the small wheeled suitcase she'd packed with her clothes and his, and headed downstairs to wait in the living room. He'd promised that he'd do better and that he'd get the help he needed. She even went with him to the VA for a few sessions of group counseling, but his attendance at those meetings were inconsistent. Though it was wavering, teetering towards the abyss, she still had faith in him. She still held on to the tiniest bit of hope that he could get through his troubles and be the man she married nearly seventeen years ago.

Unfortunately, the little bit of faith she had in him, that tiny sliver of hope she had held on to all this time, vanished the minute Paul stumbled across the threshold of their home, reeking of booze.

Joss was thankful that their son, Taylor, had already left hours ago to go to his friend's house, where he would stay overnight. Taylor was fifteen years old and had only seen glimpses of the man stumbling before her. Thankfully, she had been able to keep most of his father's troubles from him, but children tend to see more and understand more than adults think they do. His words to her when he kissed her goodbye before he left echoed in her mind.

/

"You look great mom, even with the rollers," Taylor teased with a smile that was identical to his father's. "I just hope dad shows up tonight and appreciates it."

Her smile faltered. "Of course your father will be here. What are you talking about?"

Taylor gave her a knowing look, but said nothing else.

She shook her head. "Don't worry about that. He'll be here with his tux and we'll paint the town red."

"Okay…" he replied dryly, not buying it for one minute. "I just want you to know that I appreciate you and I love you. Have fun tonight, mom. In spite of him."

"Taylor..."

"Gotta run. See ya later." With another peck on the cheek, he made a quick exit, softly shutting the door behind him.

/

"Where have you been?" she asked Paul calmly.

He leaned against the door heavily so that it would hold him up. "Where do you think I've been?" he replied in anger.

"Where is your tux?" she calmly asked again, ignoring his tone, refusing to give in to the anger that was bubbling just underneath the surface.

"What tux?"

"For tonight. Don't you remember? My friend Donna and her husband Richard are renewing their vows. It's a black tie event. I saved money to get a room, get this dress, and pay for your tux." She felt her anger rising with every word. "All you had to do was pick it up, get a haircut, and show up."

He looked at her blankly and she sighed. "Apparently, you can't even do that," she muttered under her breath, but he'd heard her anyway.

Seconds after the muttered remark fell from her lips, he lashed out at her. "Don't you fucking give me this shit, Joss! Every time. Every fucking time I get back from having a good time, you do this shit!"

She lost it. "I _do this shit_ every fucking time because you come home drunk and broke. I fucking _do this shit_ every god damn time because you won't be a man and do what you say you're going to do! I'm tired of this, Paul," her voice began to waiver and she felt the tears burning the back of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

"I feel like I'm in this marriage alone and every time you promise to do better, it'll last what? A week? Two weeks? A month tops!" She laughed bitterly.

"You don't know what I'm going through. You didn't see what I saw out there. I'm doing the best I can—"

"Your _best_ isn't ENOUGH!" she shouted over him.

He looked at her, hurt. She knew he was suffering from PTSD. She knew he was having a harder time dealing with things. But he wasn't doing anything about it other than putting the both of them through the motions.

"So... what then, Joss? What's next? I see you all dressed up." He looked her up and down before he chuckled. "Huh... What? You think you're gonna find yourself a man tonight? Gonna leave me for some rich lawyer motherfucker? Ain't nobody gonna want you. You're over 40, a fucking _cop_," he spat out as if it were the most vile thing about her, "and you got those fucked up scars. Who the fuck wants that? You think _that's_ enough?" He sneered at her, eyes glassy from inebriation.

Paul had lashed out at her before, said some hurtful things before, but it had never been as venomous as the words he spat back at her. She felt her heart breaking all over again and this time, the tears fell.

"You always knew how to hurt me," she replied quietly. She turned away from him to wipe her eyes, not caring her makeup was ruined, no longer wanting to even go out anymore.

"Joss..." he started, his voice now apologetic. "Baby, stop crying. I'm sorry baby, please stop crying." He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her and she stiffened. "I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it," he repeated over and over again.

He hugged her but she didn't hug him back, standing as still as a statue, not wanting him anywhere near her at the moment. Realizing she was no longer crying and refused to return his embrace, Paul released her.

"I fucked up. I know I fucked up."

Joss refrained from rolling her eyes. "You need to go upstairs and sleep it off. I'll make you a pot of coffee," she said dejectedly.

He softly kissed her on the forehead, apologized once more, and headed up the stairs. Joss was on autopilot now, very used to this same old song and dance. She walked to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee before taking a seat at the kitchen table.

She sat there in a daze, their evening ruined. She worried the frayed corner of the placemat in front of her when Taylor's parting words came back to her.

_Have fun tonight, mom. In spite of him._

In spite of him.

In. Spite. Of. Him.

_From the mouths of babes_, she thought. She shook her head and chuckled, before it eventually turned into nearly hysterical laughter. _What is wrong with you, Joss? You are stronger than this_, she told herself.

She pushed herself up from the table and walked back into the living room. Looking at her reflection in the mirror above the fireplace, she was thankful that her eye makeup was waterproof. Reaching for her clutch, she took out what she needed and began to refresh her makeup. Other than eyes that were a little puffy and slightly red from her earlier tears, she looked good. Tossing everything back in the clutch, she snapped it closed, pulled up the handle of the small black suitcase and walked out the door.

Tonight, she was going to enjoy herself. She'd worked too hard, done too much to save money, put up with too much bullshit to turn back now. She smiled as the cab she hailed, pulled up in front of her.

She would have fun tonight.

In spite of him.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This chapter is unbeta'd. Any mistakes you see are my own.**

* * *

John had been waiting at the bar for nearly an hour and still hadn't heard back from Joss. More than a little drunk, he declined another round from the bartender, as he had already had three fingers of whiskey. He wondered why he always seemed to end up at a bar when it came to this woman. The first time he'd laid eyes on her was at a bar. The night they met they shared drinks at a bar. And now he was sitting here at a bar, waiting for her to make a choice. John had begun to lose hope that Joss would show up. In a somber mood, he paid his tab and left the bar to head back to his room on the twelfth floor.

Another half hour had passed and he'd called several more times with no answer. He began to pace back and forth in front of the couch in the sitting area of the suite. His phone rang and he rushed to the coffee table to pick it up. With a quick check of the caller ID he groaned at the name on the screen.

"Hey Jess, I'm kinda busy right now. Can you make it short?" he answered, not in the mood for proper telephone etiquette.

"When are you coming home, John? I decided to make reservations at the new restaurant I read about in the Times. That new French and Japanese fusion restaurant the critics have been raving about. We're supposed to be there at seven."

John felt nearly blindsided. He'd hoped that the move could help give them a fresh start, but the only thing the move did was reverse their roles. She was the one trying to make it work while he was the one pushing her away and wanting to be with another. He began to pace back and forth once again, feeling the telltale signs of a stress headache coming on.

"I can't, not tonight. I'm working late and afterwards I was going to meet up with some of the guys for drinks." It was two of his usual excuses combined. He honestly hadn't planned on coming home at all until early the next morning.

"Drinks with the guys? Working late?" He could hear her aggravated sigh come through the line, loud and clear. "John, when are you going to stop this?"

"Stop what?"

"This affair you're having." He stopped pacing. "When are you going to stop getting back at me? Huh?" Her voice cracked as she lost some of her composure. "You're hardly home anymore. You sneak out when you think I'm asleep. You haven't touched me in _months_. You barely even look at me and when you do, I can feel the resentment. It's like you hate me..."

"Jess—"

"_Don't_! Just... don't lie to me. Who is she?" Jessica questioned.

John didn't answer. He refused to answer. How could he tell his wife that he's having an affair with the next door neighbor? How could he tell her that it started long before they officially moved to New York City? How could he tell her about the one night stand that became so much more? How?

* * *

_Six months ago_

"You haven't even found a place yet and you're working the case already?"

"I just went for a beer, Finch. Granted, it happened to be at a cop bar where a few HR cronies like to hang out," John replied, trying his hardest to hold back a smirk.

"'Just a beer' could blow your cover, Mr. Reese. In the future, it would be best to quench your thirst for libations at the bar of the hotel you're staying in temporarily," Director Harold Finch retorted. "If I have to call you in for another emergency meeting on my day off, I have no problem ensuring that you are transferred back to the Seattle branch and out of my hair. We have protocols in place for a reason. Is that understood?"

"Duly noted. Is there anything else?" John stood from his seat in front of Finch's desk.

"Yes. I'd like you to actually use the time we've given you for your transition. Find a place of your own, move in, get settled, and be ready to start this case in a few weeks." He pulled a folder from his drawer and handed it to John. "I understand you've had trouble finding a place. These are listings that my realtor, Zoe Morgan, has given me. If any of the properties interest you, give her a call. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Mr. Reese."

Without another word John exited the office, folder in hand, and hailed a cab to head back to his hotel.

"Where to?" asked the cabbie, his hard New Yorker accent roughened from prolonged cigarette use.

"The Surrey, please." John didn't care for the luxury hotel and would have been fine in a standard room at a chain hotel. The Bureau didn't even fully cover the rate per night. They only covered up to $150 per night. The rest came out of pocket. It was a cost John was willing to pay because he knew Jessica would love a place like this.

As the cab traveled through the bustling city, John looked at the listings in the file. A sizable brownstone property in Brooklyn had caught his eye. Hardwood floors, large, recently updated kitchen and master bath. He snapped a picture of the listing with his phone and texted them to Jessica before he called her.

"John," she answered quietly.

"Jess, I texted you a few pics of a Brownstone for sale and I wanted your opinion on it."

"I don't really care. Whatever you choose is fine with me," was her short reply.

He sighed in frustration. "Jess, I want us to do this together. I want you here with me. I'm trying, I'm really trying, but this can't be one-sided if this is gonna work. Are you still flying out here tomorrow?"

"Yes," she answered unenthusiastically. "My flight lands at JFK tomorrow afternoon at 3pm."

John pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting a losing battle against the start of a tension headache. He'd been getting a lot of those lately when it came to dealing with his wife. "Great," he replied in an equally apathetic tone. "I'll be there to pick you up. Call me if anything changes."

She hung up without another word. He inhaled and released a deep breath and reminded himself that he was the one who wanted to make their marriage work and that Jessica might need a little time to get on board. He reminded himself that he still loved her and cared for her. He had to remind himself because right now, he surely didn't feel that way.

* * *

Later that evening, John ventured downstairs from his room for a decent steak dinner and a strong drink. He hated going to places like this because he wasn't the suit and tie type, nor was he the snooty Upper East Side type, but he picked this hotel for Jessica. And it was better to stay on his best behavior tonight and avoid any additional cop hangouts until his undercover work was to begin. Cutting through the lobby, he heard a voice he hadn't heard in years.

"John?"

John turned to match a face to the familiar voice. "Richard!" John's mood was instantly lifted by seeing his old military buddy. He smiled at the man he hadn't seen in over ten years. He still looked the same, average height and medium build with umber skin and strong features, even if he had put on a bit of weight and had a bit of gray. At their age, who hadn't? With a handshake and a hug, the two longtime friends caught up on old times.

"So what have you been up to? I haven't seen you since what, '99?" Richard asked.

"Yeah, I think it's been about that long. I'm working for the Bureau now, just got a promotion and I'm in the middle of a transition to the branch here in New York," John answered. "How about you?"

"After I was discharged, I finished law school, passed the bar, and started working with one of the largest firms here in New York. I made partner about six months ago."

"Congratulations!" John was truly happy for his friend's success. "I see you're in a penguin suit; you must be here with your lady. Are you and Donna still going strong?"

Richard beamed. "Yeah man, we're going so strong we're renewing our vows tonight."

"Wow! How many years?"

"Donna's been putting up with me for fifteen years," he joked. "This was my idea because we never did the big wedding. Couldn't afford it, so we just went to the courthouse. It was a surprise she didn't even know about until about a month ago."

"Who knew you were such a romantic?" John ribbed.

"Ah man, I love that woman. She's my heart. I knew it when I first saw her, that she was the one. But enough of all that. I'll save it for the vows. How about you come on up as a guest. I'd love for you to finally meet her," Richard invited.

"You sure about that?" John asked.

"Of course, I wouldn't have invited you if I wasn't."

"Well... Who am I to turn down free food and free booze?" John said with a smirk. "Which meeting room are you in?"

Richard grinned. "Dude, did I mention that I made partner? We're on the rooftop. Let's go, before I'm late to my own wedding."

* * *

Although he was wearing a nice suit, John still felt very much underdressed. The ceremony was beautiful and heartfelt, not leaving a dry eye in the house. The setting for the reception was swanky and so were the guests, one of whom caught his attention and held on to it the moment he laid eyes on her. It was the same woman he saw last night in the bar.

Last night she hid her beauty in frumpy work clothes, little makeup, and sensible shoes. Tonight she was... he couldn't find the words. Her tawny skin was luminous in the fitted coral gown she wore. Curves a man could get lost in were tastefully displayed in the flattering cut of the dress, with a split showing a generous amount of her shapely legs. Her hair was down in flowing curls and his fingers twitched at the thought of running his hands through it. Her eyes, a deep mahogany, were as expressive as he remembered, but something was different. It was as if the light in her eyes had dimmed and he wondered why.

John tried not to stare at the woman, but it was hard to keep his eyes off her. She must have felt his gaze because she looked over in his direction and locked eyes with him. She quickly looked away with a blush and took a sip of the champagne in her hand. That's when he noticed the gold wedding band on her left ring finger and was reminded of the gold band on his own.

He continued to watch her as she moved about the party at an unhurried pace, stopping to converse with different people, sharing a laugh here and there. She approached Richard and Donna, giving what John assumed were well wishes to the newly vowed couple. Before John could think better of it, he made his way over to them.

"Hey John! I thought you might have slipped out," Richard greeted as he approached the trio.

"I could never leave without meeting the lovely bride."

"Donna, this is my Army buddy John Reese. John, this is the love of my life Donna." Richard wrapped his arms around his wife in a loving embrace.

Smiling, Donna extended her hand. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, John. Whenever Rick shares his old Army stories, your name tends to pop up."

John accepted her hand and shook it with both hands. "Don't believe a word of it," he joked.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I'm so rude. John, this is my friend Joss. We went to law school together and she's one of my, well, _our_ oldest friends. She and her husband also served in the Army. Speaking of... Where's Paul?" Donna questioned.

"Paul came down with a really bad stomach bug. He asked me to give you his apologies about not being able to make it tonight," Joss answered.

John could tell that she was a bit uncomfortable, and wondered if there was a different story behind her absence. Noting that for later, he steered the conversation towards what he hoped would be an easier topic for her. "So when did you serve, Joss?"

"Afghanistan in 2002 and later, Iraq in 2003. Honorably discharged in '04," she answered.

John raised an eyebrow in question of her short stint in the military. She didn't appear to have any obvious injuries, which could have been the reason for her discharge. However, he didn't push the issue. The band started a new song and Richard excused himself and Donna as they headed towards the dance floor.

"Hey, Joss. Do me a favor and keep my buddy company while I take my lady for a spin on the dance floor," Richard asked with a gleam in his eye before they walked away.

They stood where they were and watched the happy couple cut a rug on the dance floor. What they didn't know was that they both were thinking the same thing.

_I wish that could be me and Paul._

_I wish that could be me and Jessica._

Both knew, however, that that ship had sailed.

"Did you wanna..." Joss started.

"Do you want to..." John began.

Both laughed and looked away. "How about a drink?" John asked.

"A drink sounds good," Joss replied.

* * *

One drink turned to two and two drinks turned to three. Three drinks led to moving to the quieter bar downstairs away from the other guests. With the courage of alcohol and the loneliness of two broken marriages, two strangers got to know each other.

John had told her about his time in the military and Joss had shared a harrowing story about how she received a Purple Heart. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was a force to be reckoned with. She had so much strength and tenacity and John couldn't help but to admire her for that.

They moved to lighter topics about which team would make it to the NBA finals, debated on whether or not Marvel was better than DC Comics, and argued over which region had the best barbecue. They laughed, they flirted, they bantered, and even touched on taboo topics of politics and religion. Overall, John was glad he'd ran into his old friend in the lobby. If he hadn't, he wouldn't be sitting here with this enchanting woman by his side.

The conversation had eventually settled into a comfortable silence and he noticed she was nearly finished with her drink. "Another round?" John asked, as he boldly placed his hand on a smooth thigh exposed by the split of her dress.

He shouldn't be this enticed by her. The wedding ring on her finger should have discouraged his pursuit. She was beautiful, but he could have easily kept his distance from her. He never even needed to approach her tonight under the pretense of meeting his friend's wife. He didn't have to leave the party with her to go to a quieter bar so they could talk more, but it was fate. It had to be.

The first time he ever saw her, he didn't have to pay attention to her. She could have been just another stranger who's face would soon become a distant and blurred memory. However, there was no forgetting her tonight. In a fitted coral gown that made her sepia skin glow, a smile that welcomed him, painted lips that allured him, the light ring of her laughter that pulled at his heart, and eyes that could see him for who he truly was inside, she was someone he could never forget.

All night she was calling to him, challenging him, pulling and pushing, flirting and playing coy, nearly driving him over the edge of want with a sultry stare, or unknowingly coaxing his need to protect her from harm whenever he caught a flash of hurt and vulnerability in her eyes. She was taunting him to claim her, to make her his and make her forget the man who'd put that ring there. So he would. Even more deterring than the ring on her finger, should have been the ring on his.

"Another drink isn't what I need right now," she replied. Taking a final sip from the martini glass, she she stood from the bar.

John tossed a few large bills on the bar to cover the tab and tip before standing as well. He placed a hand at the small of her back and pulled her closer to him.

They'd managed to avoid the elephant in the room with them. It was an unspoken rule, but a rule nonetheless. They didn't bring up their spouses. Now that things seemed to be drawing to an end, he wasn't ready for her to leave. In fact, he wanted to get to know more about her... upstairs. She didn't push away from his advances; she encouraged it.

When he placed his hand on her thigh, she moved her leg to shift his hand slightly higher. When he pulled her closer, she leaned into his body, wrapped her arms around his neck and stared deeply into his eyes. He leaned in closer, so close their lips nearly touched, but just far enough to not cross that line. His lips grazed her cheek as he moved to her ear.

"What do you need, Joss?" His voice was husky and filled with want.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd wanted to be with a woman as much as he wanted to be with her. But he wouldn't push. If they were going to do this, she would have to want this as much as he did. This was her out. They both could end things here.

She looked up at him with a soft smile and wary eyes. It was as if she was thinking the same thing he was thinking. They could both end things here. "I need to feel wanted. Just for tonight. No strings. After tonight, we leave things here and move on with our lives."

* * *

"Damn it, John! Who is she?" Jessica shouted, his prolonged silence spurring her anger.

"I..." There was a beep indicating an incoming call on the other line.

_**JOSS**_

"We'll talk about this later." He ended the call and answered the line.

"Joss?" There was no answer at first. "Joss can you hear me? Where are you?"

"I'm sorry, John. I'm not going to be able to see you tonight," Joss replied forlornly.

"Baby, what's wrong. We... we talked about this we—"

_Joss, babe, come on. Dinner's ready. _John felt his stomach drop at the sound of Paul's voice in the background.

_I'll be there in a minute, _he could hear as Joss' muffled reply.

"Okay, we'll talk about it tomorrow," she said in her 'work voice'.

"Joss don't do this. Just come meet me later tonight. I'll still be here. Just come by. I need to see you and hold you. I love—" She disconnected the call before he could finish.

He threw the phone across the room and watched it break into pieces as it hit the wall.


	5. Chapter 5

"Joss, what's wrong?" Paul asked with concern. For the past ten minutes, she'd been stirring and moving the chili around in her bowl, but she'd barely eaten any of it.

Joss looked up from her bowl at Paul, and he knew she hadn't really heard him. "Huh? Oh, I'm– I'm fine. Just not as hungry as I thought." She avoided his scrutinizing stare. "You know how it always tastes better the next day." Her smile came out like a grimace and he watched as she abruptly stood from the table, not even bothering to pretend to eat anymore.

Paul stood as well, clearing the table. "Taylor, put the food away and load the dishwasher." He placed the dishes in the sink and turned to see Joss quietly leaving the kitchen.

Something just wasn't right. Something hadn't been right for a while now. Now that he was sober, now that he'd actually been present in their marriage, he knew she had checked out. Oh, she was still trying to put in an effort and support him and be there for him like she'd always had, but he _knew_. He knew her heart wasn't in it anymore, and he wondered if it was just them growing apart as relationships sometimes do... or was there someone driving this wedge between them.

He had a feeling, but he couldn't prove it. But it always nagged at the back of his mind. If she was seeing someone else, he knew he only had himself to blame, but that didn't make it hurt any less. It didn't make him feel any less enraged at the thought of another man touching her, tasting her, doing everything for her that he didn't or couldn't. It didn't matter how hypocritical that was because he'd stepped out on her before. He never cared about those random drunken one-nighters when he was on a bender.

This was something different. This felt like someone wanted to take his whole world away from him. But he didn't have proof. He only had hunches... Intuitions. Women weren't the only ones with it, he thought with a sad smile.

"Dad? Are you okay?" Taylor asked.

Coming out of his reverie, Paul looked to his son and answered, "Yeah, why?"

"You've been standing there at the sink with the water running over the same dish, and you just, I don't know, zoned out for a few minutes."

"Sorry about that son, I was just thinking about some things."

"Right... I noticed. I got the dishes dad, go check on mom. She was acting kinda weird tonight."

"It's probably just this case she's working on. I bet it's a tough one," Paul replied. He hoped that was the reason for her almost somber mood, but his gut said that wasn't the reason.

Something just wasn't right.

Paul stepped away from the sink and dried his hands with a nearby dish towel. "I'll go check on her. Thanks for taking care of the kitchen."

"No problem, dad."

Paul walked into the living room and found Joss on the couch, looking at her phone with an expression on her face that he couldn't quite read.

"Hey, babe. Are you sure everything's okay?" he asked again as he took a seat next to her.

He watched her closely and noticed her body language. She'd tensed slightly and moved the screen of the phone away from him as she did something on the screen. It was quick, and if he wasn't paying attention to her so closely, he would have missed it, but he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. She turned off her phone completely and looked up at him with a stiff smile.

"Everything's fine, Paul. I promise. It's just work stuff." She still couldn't meet his eyes. "I'm turning everything off so I can enjoy a night with my family for once. Do you want to watch a movie? I was thinking we could watch your favorite."

"Harlem Nights has too much profanity for Taylor," he said with a smirk.

"Have you heard to the music these kids listen to lately? I think he can handle a few F-bombs from Redd Foxx," she retorted with a laugh.

Paul smiled and tried to relax. His heart was screaming at him that she was trying. His heart was telling him that her erratic behavior was just stress from work. In some ways she was still the sweet girl he met freshman year in college. Still the same woman who put up with his shit for years and loved him when he didn't deserve it. She was here with him.

_But is she really here? _his conscious questioned. _What was that business with the phone? What about those nights when you wake up and she's not in the bed lying next to you? Those late nights at work is she really working?_

Paul shoved those bitter thoughts out of his mind and leaned over to give her a soft kiss on the lips before pulling her into his lap and holding her. "You know how much I love you, right?"

"Because I'm willing to sit through this movie with you for the millionth time?" she asked, leaning into him instead of pulling away like she had started to do recently.

"No, because even after everything I've put you through, you're still here with me. Giving me another chance to prove to you that I want this. Want you." He played with a strand of her hair, curling it around his fingers.

"Paul..." she stiffened this time and he couldn't help but wonder why.

Had his admission made her uncomfortable? His therapist had really helped him with being more open about his feelings and even though he had a lot more work to do, he was truly dedicated to getting better and being better. As a husband and a father. Never again did he want to wake up and not see or hear from her like he had six months ago. Neither she nor Taylor were there and he'd thought that she'd finally had enough and left him, taking their son with her. She didn't answer her calls and the phone to the hotel room just rang and rang. He'd gotten a taste of his own medicine and he couldn't swallow it. He was alone in his house and his one constant, his wife, wasn't there to pick his sorry ass back up and he'd decided then that he was going to change.

He still hoped it wasn't too late.

"I'm serious, Joss. I love you." He kissed her temple and held her closer until she finally relaxed against him again.

"I love you, too," she said softly.

* * *

The silence of the hotel suite was almost suffocating. John sat almost lifelessly on the couch, thinking back on everything that had happened between he and Joss from the moment they'd met, up until now. She had started out as a one-night stand. Ended up being his subordinate _and_ next door neighbor. After the initial awkwardness upon their first "official" meeting at the precinct, they'd agreed to put that night behind them and try to be professional.

It had been easy at first. They'd kept their distance and remained professional and coldly polite to each other. But as time wore on, they became closer. Then came the banter. The borderline flirting. He'd gotten to see a different side to her at work. He saw how dedicated she was to her job. She was brave, competent, fearless, loyal, and he knew she could be trusted. She was definitely the type of cop that the NYPD needed more of.

Before either of them realized it, they'd become fast friends. They confided in each other. They gave each other advice, both professional and personal. But those old feelings came back and he couldn't stop them if he tried. The feelings he'd had for her on the first night they shared, had only intensified and he had fallen for her.

He released a long drawn out breath before getting up and walking across the room to pick up his phone. In a fit of anger, he'd thrown it against the wall, furious at Joss for not showing up. Incensed at the fact that she was probably going to sleep with _him_ tonight. _Him_ being Paul, her husband.

In theory, he shouldn't be angry. He should discourage the idea of them having this affair and avoid sleeping together again. In reality, he was fuming and incredibly jealous. She belonged to him, heart and soul, and almost body. He'd even researched a few good divorce lawyers in the city. But before he made any major moves, he had to know if she was on the same page.

She obviously wasn't.

He picked up the phone and was relieved to find that only his protective case had been damaged. The screen had been cracked slightly, but it wasn't anything that couldn't be repaired and the phone could still be used.

He made his way over to the bed, stripping down to only his boxer briefs and undershirt before turning down the sheets and sinking into the incredibly plush bed. Hell, the room was already paid for and he wasn't trying to deal with Jessica so he decided to at least try to get a good night's sleep. But it was still too early.

He called room service and ordered dinner for himself. During the wait, he accessed a secret password protected app on his phone and went to a folder buried at the very bottom of all his files. He'd labeled it "Coworkers", which on first look, would be accurate. There were pictures of the many friends and associates he'd made over the years from the precinct in Puyallup, his training in Qunatico, the Seattle office of the FBI, and even the detectives of the precinct where he played "captain" while working undercover. The photos were pretty frivolous for the most part. Pictures taken during Christmas parties. Costume contests during Halloween. Pictures from different professional development classes and conventions. But after scrolling for a bit, the true purpose of the folder was revealed. In a sub folder within this folder, was were he kept pictures of her. From the candid shots to the ones he'd taken of her that were more... personal.

It was the safest way to keep photos of her in his phone should Jess ever feel the need to look through it. They were buried deep but were still within his reach whenever he needed it. He scrolled and scrolled and scrolled until he got to one of his favorite pictures of her. It wasn't the one of her in one of her in a pretty yellow sundress during a 4th of July cookout, although that was definitely in the top three of his favorites.

They'd both been sent on a grocery store run by their spouses. Joss had to go buy some special "secret" ingredient for Paul while he manned the grill, while Jess had sent him off for more beer and ice. They'd made their way to the corner bodega at a leisurely pace, enjoying each other's company without worrying about someone noticing how much things had changed between them. He remembered yanking her into a side alley away from view to share a kiss with her. It was only supposed to be a quick kiss, a stolen moment. But she wrapped her arms around his neck and brought his lips back down to hers in a kiss that was filled with erotic intent. Before they knew it, the top of her dress was down as he caressed and teased her nipples and she'd won the fight with the zipper of his jeans, stroking his hardness. They only came to their senses at the sound of firecrackers being set in the street by a group of teens.

It took her almost a week to even look him in the eyes after that. But every time she did manage to look at him, he knew she wanted him.

As hot as that memory had been, that particular photo wasn't the picture he was looking for. No, it was one that was taken long before things had ever gotten physical between the two of them again, but way past the plutonic and appropriate point in their friendship. Less than lovers but more than friends.

About four months ago, they were working on a cold case that had led them to Texas. However, their flight back to New York had been canceled due to the severe thunderstorm in the area. It was late, he couldn't sleep, and he was on edge. Knowing that seeing her would calm him, he made the easy decision to go pay her a quick visit, not bothering to change out of his sleepwear. Since they were on the same floor of the hotel, he slipped on a pair of shoes and went to her room without invitation.

She answered the door in a pair of black yoga pants and a gray soft cotton tank top with no bra. He tried and failed miserably at trying not to stare at her unbound breasts, but he was only a man and the flesh was especially weak tonight. She cleared her throat to get his attention and couldn't hide the smirk on her face as his eyes finally lifted to meet hers. She was so incredibly beautiful this way. Her face was makeup free and her long thick hair was in a sloppy bun at the top of her head.

"Why aren't you asleep John?" she'd asked, closing the door after letting him in.

"I could ask you the same thing," he replied.

"It's late," she said, pointing out the obvious.

"Couldn't sleep," he replied in a faux tone of nonchalance with a shrug of his shoulders.

"What's wrong?" she asked, seeing right through him as she usually did.

"Why aren't you asleep, Joss?" he responded with a question of his own, deflecting her inquiry.

At work and even when they were hanging out with their spouses, he'd always called her Carter. He wasn't sure when or why he began calling her Joss again, much less why he only called her that when they were alone... Okay, he knew why he only called her that when it was just the two of them, but she didn't seem to mind so he wasn't going to stop.

"I just have a lot on my mind," she answered, more than likely thinking about the case they'd just solved.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I... Maybe not now. Maybe some other time. Why are you here, John? It's late," she emphasized once again.

"I just wanted to see you," he replied, not even attempting to hide his feelings for her.

She sighed and averted her eyes. "We can't do this."

It was the same thing he told himself over and over. _You can't do this. You love your wife_. _You shouldn't even have these thoughts for another. It was just sex, and it was only one night. Let it go_. No matter how many times he'd badgered himself, the feelings would remain. The more he fought it, the stronger it became. He was tired of fighting a losing battle.

"I just... I couldn't sleep and I wanted to see you. I'm sorry. I'll just... I should go." He covered the short distance to her door in a few steps. Just as he reached for the door–

"Wait..."

He paused, his hand still on the doorknob, facing away from her.

She sighed. "Stay with me tonight. Just..." she stopped to think of what to say before continuing. "Just so we can sleep."

His heart raced after her invitation. He knew nothing would happen between them tonight. The implication was clear. He would sleep with her, in her bed, in her hotel room. But they would only sleep. Nothing else. He swallowed and took a deep breath before releasing it slowly. Dropping his hand from the knob, he turned around to face her. He could read the hesitation in her eyes and he wondered if he should just do them both a favor and leave anyway.

He didn't.

He silently walked over to her and took her hand, leading them to the large bed. He turned down the covers and she got in first. He removed his shoes and followed soon after. She reached over to the nightstand closest to her and turned off the lamp, her room instantly darker with only a dim light flooding in from the open door leading to the bathroom.

She settled back into the bed on her side facing away from him. Once he was sure she was settled and comfortable, he scooted closer behind her, becoming the big spoon to her little one. They laid there in silence as he simply held her.

"Joss," he broke the calm silence in a near whisper. "I just want you to know that–"

"Don't." He could feel her tense in his arms before she began to pull away.

He strengthened his hold, keeping her close to him, refusing to let her go. Refusing to let her run away from this.

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

He wasn't sure how she would respond but he wasn't expecting tears. He repositioned them so that he was lying on his back and she was laying to the side of him, their legs intertwined while he still held her in his arms. He pulled the tie from her hair, releasing it from her bun, and held her until the tears subsided. There wasn't another word spoken between them as he stroked her soft hair through his fingers and listened to her deep, even breathing as she fell asleep.

Later that morning, he woke up first. He wasn't sure what their relationship would be now that he'd let the cat out of the bag and spoke truth to the feelings he'd been harboring for her for a long time. Although he knew he would have no choice but to accept her rejection, they were both married after all, he couldn't deal with it now in the light of day. He knew she would turn him down easily and tell him that she cared for him, but didn't share the same feelings. That they should really put that one-night stand behind them once and for all and just remain friends and colleagues.

Enjoying the feeling of having her in his arms, with her soft curves pressed against him, he willed himself to get out of the bed and get out of there before she woke up. Hopefully he'd manage to get out of her room and back to his without incident and find the first available flight out to NYC so he could go home and lick his wounds alone.

He slowly slid out of the bed and making sure he didn't disturb her slumber. He slipped his feet into his shoes and grabbed his phone from the nightstand to check for any messages he may have missed while he was asleep. Just as he was headed for the door, he heard a stir and a soft moan.

"John... where are you going?" she asked, her voice sleep heavy and unawarely seductive.

_Don't_ _turn around. Don't turn around_. He turned around to answer and his reply died on his lips as he took in the sight of her. Her hair lay across the pillows, framing her face that was glowing from the morning light coming in from the partially open curtains. Her full lips were quirked up in a slight smile. A Mona Lisa smile. He wanted to remember this moment forever, so he simply stared, committing her to memory.

"Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer," she teased.

Before she could say anything else he lifted the phone in his hand and quickly took her picture. He smirked at her after saving the pic and putting the phone in the pocket of his sleep pants.

"Smartass."

"You love it," he replied automatically, not thinking about everything from last night. He stiffened and looked away, feeling tension creep up his spine.

After what seemed like the longest bout of silence, she replied, "I do."

He almost comically whipped his head in her direction, looking at her for confirmation on what he thought she meant by those words. Tamping down the hope rising in his heart, he braced himself for the backtrack.

There was none.

"I do love you. I'm in love with you and it scares me. I knew how you felt about me John. I've known for a while now; I'm not blind. But I didn't want you to say it. Because when you say it, that makes it real. And when it's real it's hard to deny... Hard to fight against."

"'Joss..."

"I'm married. You're married," she said bluntly, flatly. He closed his eyes, not wanting or needing the reminder. "But even knowing that, I still fell for you. It's stupid and selfish, but there it is."

He looked at her, his eyes a dark blue storm of conflicting emotions. "I don't know what to do. I've never been in this situation before. I can't help how I feel about you, and it won't change. No matter how much I try to fight it, I..." He sighed. "I love you so much and I want to be apart of your life, however you accept me."

"I can't have you the way I want you, John. That's the problem."

He moved back to the bed, and hovered over her, his lips scant from hers. She closed her eyes and he could hear her breathing become shallower. Softly brushing his lips against hers and trailing them down her jawline to her neck and up to her ear, he stopped to whisper, "You can have me any way you want me. I'm yours."

He pressed a soft kiss behind her ear and stood straight before walking out of her room. Once he was out in the hall, he leaned heavily against the wall next to her door.

"Fuck!" he groaned, knowing that what had just occurred between them was the beginning of something they couldn't turn back from. He walked down the hall to head back to his room.

What he didn't know was that Joss was going through her own personal torment as well. She didn't open her eyes until she heard the door close behind him. Staring at the ceiling for a moment she could only hear his words playing over and over in her mind. _I'm yours._

"Fuck."

The knock on the door brought John back to the present. He'd gotten lost in the memories of her which only caused more heartache. He tipped the hotel employee that had brought up his dinner and enjoyed his meal in front of the TV. He found a game to distract him and keep his mind off her for at least a little while.

* * *

Joss sighed as she tossed and turned in their bed once again. Paul had wanted to have sex tonight and although she hadn't really wanted to, she tried to be open to the idea of it. Per their marriage counselor, they needed to work on their intimacy issues. In bed, Paul had been as patient and attentive as he'd ever been, but when it came to lovemaking, she just wasn't there. Every time she was naked in front of him, she'd feel insecure. He would assure her that she was still beautiful to him, but that trust still wasn't there for her. She just didn't believe him, although he seemed to be very sincere.

Whenever he touched her, she would close her eyes and imagine it was John's hands on her body. Guilt would wash over her and she'd open her eyes to remind herself that she was with her husband. Most times she could keep her mind clear and enjoy the sex, but tonight she couldn't do it. She eventually had to stop things, telling Paul that she had a headache. She could tell he didn't really believe her, and he even looked as if he would say something to her or confront her, but changed his mind. She was thankful for that. If he'd asked her what was wrong with her or why she had been so distant all night, she wasn't sure if she would have been able to lie to him again.

She slowly got out of the bed, making sure to not disturb Paul and went to the bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection, unsure and worried eyes looking back at her. Even now, with her husband lying in their bed on the other side of the door, Joss still couldn't keep her mind off John. She couldn't shake the regret she felt when she remembered how desperate he'd sounded on the phone when she'd called him to let him know she had changed her mind.

Even earlier, as she watched the movie in Paul's arms, she found herself wondering what John was doing and if he'd decided to spend the night in the hotel alone... Or not alone. A passing thought of him meeting someone for a one-night romp the same as he'd met her, filled her with a sense of irrational jealousy.

_No, no... He wouldn't do that_, she reminded herself. He'd told her that she was his soulmate and that he'd drop everything for her. He'd even looked into seeing a divorce lawyer, which had honestly scared her shitless. She knew they were both in too deep with this affair, and logically, she knew that the reason she was drawn to John in the first place was because he was everything Paul wasn't. The classic 80/20 rule.

But then again, it wasn't that simple.

She and John had immediate chemistry and as she got to know him beyond their one night together, he took a little piece of her heart with him until he had nearly all of it. She could honestly say she never felt this way with Paul. Even when they were young, carefree, and living the life of few responsibilities as most college kids do, she never felt this way. She had been attracted to Paul at first sight, but it took a while for her to warm up to him and build a friendship. With John, it was so instant that it felt as if she's known him for years even though she'd only known him for a few hours. With John, she felt this undeniable pull.

And she felt that same pull now. She wanted to see him. She wanted to be with him. But right now she felt trapped. Trapped in this bathroom, avoiding her husband's touch. Trapped in a marriage she no longer wanted to save. It was suffocating her and she wanted out.

She wanted out.

She left the bathroom in a hurry, leaving the light on so that she could see her way around the bedroom. She walked to the closet and threw on a pair of jeans, a light sweater, and boots. Just as she flipped off the switch in the bathroom and opened the bedroom door, Paul's voice cut through the darkness.

"Where are you going, Joss?"

His voice was deceptively calm in the darkness of the room as he waited for her reply. It was a simple question, with a complicated answer.

"I just need some air. I'm gonna take a walk and then maybe go to work. I just... I can't be here right now." She started to walk out of the room but there was something in his voice gave her pause.

"Joss, wait. Just... What's going on? With you? With us? I can feel you slipping away from me–"

"It's just work stuff and I–"

"No, it's not 'work stuff' and you know it. Where are you going at this time of night?" She could hear him sit up in the bed. He turned on the lamp on the nightstand and looked at her with pained eyes.

"Paul, I can't do this right now," she answered, unable to meet his gaze. She could feel the tears stinging behind her eyes. "I gotta get outta here."

Joss walked out without another word, not turning back, even as he called out for her. She hurried down the stairs and grabbed her purse from the table by the door. She looked around for her phone, remembering that she'd left it in the living room when she heard footsteps from the top of the stairs. Knowing that it was now or never, she decided to forgo her phone and left while she still could.

Picking up the pace she walked up the block and hopped in her car, started it, and quickly drove off. Looking in the rear view mirror, she saw Paul on the sidewalk looking at her drive away. She took a deep breath and turned on the radio, increasing the volume to drown out her nagging conscious.

* * *

John had just began to doze off when there was another knock at the door. He hadn't ordered anything else from room service so he wondered who could be knocking on the door at this hour. He opened the door and was pleasantly surprised to see Joss on the other side.

That joy soon turned to concern when he saw the tears in her eyes. He pulled her inside the room and wrapped his arms around her. "What's the matter? What's wrong?"

"Everything," she replied, her voice shaky with emotion. "Everything is wrong."


End file.
